Category Archives: Personal

An Easter to Remember

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Sunday was a long-awaited day in our family.

Elias Angel Aznaran, age 2 1/2, was dedicated to the Lord as were his parents in front of our church family. In the congregation were seated hundreds of faithful, praying friends who have loved our little boy by providing for them. Including: meals for them during his long 7 month cancer treatments, helping clean and organize their home. They donated not only time, but their financial support as well through his Go Fund Me campaign.

There was a moment in the dedication when our pastor turned to the church and said, “As Hannah prayed for her son in the temple, so too, you have prayed for their son, Elias Angel.” It was then that I was overwhelmed, crying with gratefulness to all of them for their support and prayers, but more their love for our family.

But God.

He is our strong tower. He provides for us what we need when we need it, but not necessarily when we want it.

It’s like the disciples when they were overwhelmed with the events of Thursday and Friday. Saturday must have been a day of bewilderment to them all. “What just happened?” They could do nothing but wait until Sabbath was over. It was then they could take care of their Rabbi and bury Him as was required by the Law. They had no idea what God had in store for them.

Jesus didn’t come resurrected with a huge fanfare. Instead He did what was needed, He fed them. Then He made His presence known while they were doing an ordinary thing–eating breakfast.

How often is Christ walking with us in similar ways, but we don’t recognize His presence?

Looking back now, since Elias’ birth, I can see Him clearly. Most of the questions we had then have been answered in miraculous ways; Will he be able to hear? How will Matt and Heather care for him without the help and support of family? Will Heather have what she needs to physically provide for him? Will there be insurance to cover all this? What about what isn’t covered?

So many questions that haunted us then, now have answers. At least for the time being. God knew then where we would be now. And He knows where this road will lead us, but we can only get there one step at a time.

This year Easter will be a day remembered as a Memorial of Thankfulness to God for the gift of this sweet boy. He lights up any room he enters with his smile. And oh how we love him.

As we face all the days following with more unanswered questions, we are confident that God is walking before us leading the way. We are purposing to thank Him now, in advance for all He will do, for His glory and our good.

“Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.”

Psalm 77:19 ESV
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Ichthus 75 in Wilmore, Kentucky

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A small group of us from our church packed up in our bus and headed North for what I thought was a retreat. Our Youth pastor put the trip together for high-schoolers, college students, and young married couples. The plan was to camp out together and take part in a gathering of other like-minded students to worship Jesus. I was 16 about to begin my Junior year of high school. My brother, Billy, was 21 and about to go to University of Florida for his Junior year in Pharmacy school. My sister, age 22 and her husband had been married for almost 2 years and came with all their newly married friends. It was a fun group, especially for me because I loved hanging out with my big brother and sister. I was finally at the age when they liked my company.

I was raised Southern Baptist. My idea of retreats as a teen was fun, games, boys, swimming, crafts and singing.

This was far from the format of Ichthus. God was about to introduce me to His presence in a way I didn’t know was possible.

When we arrived we set up camp and headed to our first session on the huge outdoor stage with the banner “ICHTHUS 75” waving overhead. First to perform was a talented man, Andrae’ Crouch and his twin sister, Sandra. They were called Andrae’ Crouch and the Disciples. Their story is worth reading, but I’ll let you Google it yourself. This is one of his first songs that I heard live. Take a moment and listen if you’re not familiar with his work.

I was surprised to see all around me lifting their hands as they worshiped God. This was a new experience that made me uncomfortable. But the way these people loved Jesus was inescapable. I wanted to know Jesus the way they did. The rain that came later couldn’t dampen the passion that God was stirring in our hearts for Him.

I discovered I’m not the only one who remembers this soaked weekend in the rain and in the Spirit…

“Ichthus influenced people from all different parts of the country and from different walks of life. Tanya Goodman Sykes (of the Happy Goodman Family) wrote at Andraé Crouch’s passing in 2015,

“I can still remember how the rain felt on my skin that day. I was 15 years old, and my friends and I had driven to Wilmore, Kentucky, to attend the Ichthus Festival at Asbury College. We were beyond thrilled because Andraé Crouch and the Disciples were headlining that year. There was a steady drizzle the entire drive up, and just before Andraé took the stage, it gave way to heavy rain, but it didn’t dampen my enthusiasm. There was a palpable sense of excitement in the air that day as an entire hillside of dripping wet, mostly teenagers sang along- “Jesus is the answer for the world today…” Truly, I have never experienced anything quite like it before or since. And I certainly have never stood in the pouring rain to hear anyone else.

“Rev. Jack Harnish, also remembered the passing of Andraé Crouch in 2015 writing,

“The highlight of the weekend was a performance by Andraé Crouch and the Disciples. If the whole notion of a folk-rock festival was a bit shocking for the town of Wilmore, the fact that the headliner was an African American was even more controversial. But once he took the stage, no one could question his spirit and his gift… I remember him closing the festival that weekend with, “It won’t be long, soon we’ll be leavin’ here; it won’t be long, we’ll be goin’ home.” “

asburyseminary.edu

After this weekend I returned home to Orlando with a fresh passion to know God. I realized that at 16 years of age there was no way I had learned all there was to know about Him. I started taking notes and reading the Bible as I never had before. God was real and I couldn’t wait to learn more about Him and to love and serve Him for the rest of my life.

I tell you all this because last week on February 8th a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit began on the same grounds where I experienced a similar awakening 48 years ago. During what seemed an ordinary chapel for the college students, the Lord decided it was time to pour out His love afresh on all who asked. And ask they did. Hours turned into days and days into over a week. And they’re still going. The administration at Asbury College said they won’t stop what the Lord is doing. Lives are being touched by a Holy God and word has spread far and wide.

Last night I listened to the message given during chapel. It was a good message that obviously hit a chord in the hearts of those in attendance. It’s based on Romans 12, but that’s all I’m saying. I encourage you to take 30 minutes and listen. Then pray that God will move in our hearts, our cities and towns in like manner.

As Andrae’ wrote, “It won’t be long…we’ll be goin’ home.”

A Letter To My Grandson on His 2nd Birthday

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Dear Elias,

Happy Birthday, Elias

I’ll never forget hearing your Dad tell me over the phone, “His name is Elias Angel.” He said it with such certainty that I took notice. Your Mom was still unconscious from an emergency C-section. I was keeping your Dad company by phone as he waited alone in the middle of the night for news.

Elias means The Lord is my God. Angel means Messenger from God. I can’t help but wonder if your life isn’t a message sent to us by our Heavenly Father letting us know more of Him.

Elias in the NICU – tiny warrior

When your parents brought you home after 116 days in the NICU, I couldn’t wait to see you in person. You see, you were born right in the middle of a worldwide pandemic caused by a wicked virus called COVID-19. No one but your parents were allowed in the hospital to see you. I stared at every photo your Mommy sent to me. I caressed your sweet face in my heart as I lifted my prayers to the One who created you.

Another virus caused you to have many health problems. CMV. It is a virus that is minor in its effects to adults, but most often fatal for unborn babies. At 24 weeks and 5 days God decided to rescue you from this virus. Once you were born the meds were administered to stop CMV in its tracks. But the damage done was irreversible. At least that is what we were told.

Yes. It is confirmed by MRIs that you have microcephaly and only 40% of your brain mass. (See Ultra-sound photo above)

Yes. It is most likely to be confirmed as you turn two that you also have Cerebral Palsy.

But God. When we see your cognitive ability, the way you look at us and react to what we do and say is nothing but miraculous. Yes. You can do more than they thought. But your limitations are also many: You can’t sit. You can’t talk. You can’t walk. You can’t swallow food. But God. He is writing your story to a watching world.

Hundreds all over the globe from California to the Bahamas, to the faraway country of Ukraine have leaned in to hear every update your Mom writes. They want to watch what our amazing God will do. We have prayed for miracles. We have cried on our knees for His will to be done in your life. And I just realized something huge–God has answered our prayers. You, my sweet grandson, are a miracle. Like Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol, you are teaching all of us how to rejoice in long-suffering and how to have joy in the midst of pain.

When you cock your head to the side and smile at me the way you do, it’s as if you’re looking deep into my heart saying, “It’s going to be okay, Nana.” When I hold you and snuggle I pray for God to help us help you to the best of our ability. And He has.

When your eye began to bulge and your Mom asked if I thought it was bulging, I prayed, “Please, Lord. Don’t let this be cancer.” But it was and now we are walking with you through your silent battle with this beast called Rhabdomyosarcoma. You can’t tell us what hurts. It is hard not knowing what you need when you need it.

But God. I find comfort in knowing that He knows what you need and He is working miracles everyday that you continue to fight. The joy on your face comes and goes now, and it’s in those moments when all I see is your boo-boo face, that I want to cry and take the pain for you. But I can’t.

Your life is speaking volumes to all of us about perseverance and hope that doesn’t fade. And you haven’t spoken a word.

Two years now I have loved you, and I will continue to love you for all eternity. But my most important prayer for you, sweet Elias Angel, is that you will know the love of your Heavenly Father who dwells in the secret places with you. He is always there and comforts you in all your afflictions. You have a godly inheritance that will not fade. It is being kept in Heaven for you. So stay the course Elias, and I will be by your side to sing your song to you every day if you like. That’s what Nana’s do. “God bless us, every one.”

Nana loves Elias Angel

He’s as sweet as he can be

When he was born he won my heart

Tiny Warrior (Super Hero) from the start

I thank God He brought you to our family

Pleasant Places

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Today my heart is once again clinging to God and His Word for strength, help and comfort.

Elias, our 22 month old grandson, is a fighter. He has been since he was born.

  • Born at 24 weeks and 5 days, after his water world broke at 22 weeks
  • He was in the NICU for 116 days
  • He was born with CMV which led to microcephaly and cerebral palsy
  • He exudes more joy than most of us on our best days
  • He is a miracle whom God rescued

Now another challenge has confronted him. He has cancer—rhabdomyosarcoma—behind his left eye to be specific. Of the two strands, his is the one less threatening, but still serious. He had a biopsy of his protruding left eye revealing a 1” tumor intertwined with nerves and blood vessels—inoperable. The pressure in his eye threatens glaucoma.

God rescued him yet again. Heather happened to read the story of a little boy who’s eye started bulging. It turned out he had this same cancer hiding behind the eye. After reading it, Heather thought Elias’ eye looked a little bulged. Her doctors all said to watch it and see if it changed. Most likely it was just swollen with allergens.

Had she not read this story we may not have noticed the threat as quickly. She has tried to go and find this article to no avail. Could it be God was leading her in a miraculous way?

Elias will have to do many more hard things to fight this beast. One happened yesterday when they inserted an NG tube through his right nostril. To say he didn’t like it would be an understatement! I am grateful I wasn’t there to experience his protest. Nana has limits. The good part of this, Elias will get all the nutrition he needs to gain some weight before chemo begins. It is also giving Heather the first break from around the clock feeds since he was born.

What’s next? Tomorrow he will have a bone marrow biopsy as well as a spinal to see if there are any cancer cells hiding there. He will also have a PET scan.

A two week hospital stay is likely this time. And once again we wait.

But God! He is not absent or indifferent. While I can’t say why He allows these things to happen. I can say that He has rescued little Elias for a reason. His joy is infectious, ask anyone who has followed his story—and there are many! He has shown us all how to keep going making the most of each day.

I love this little guy so much.

The Lord impressed Psalm 16:5-6 on me yesterday at church:

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”
‭‭- Psalm‬ ‭16:5-6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My circumstances are not the boundary lines around me. If they were it would be hard to agree with David that my lines are pleasant places. No. God has also said in His Word that He goes before me and behind me. HE is the lines that surround me giving me boundaries of His grace. I can rest knowing He’s my Shepherd no matter what threatens.

Indeed, the lines have fallen in Pleasant Places!

If you would like to help, our oldest daughter set up a Go Fund Me campaign to provide for their many needs in the months to come.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/elias-angel-fight-cancer

Interviews

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I’ve had two recent interviews that I need to share with you. They were both significant moments where time seemed to stand still as I listened to myself answer questions from across the screen or room. Stories of the last three years and God’s faithfulness in each step.

The first interview was with my husband. A friend who hosts a podcast, Counseling Over Coffee, asked if we would be willing to share what it’s been like to have a grandchild with special needs. I like what her daughter, who has two boys on the spectrum called him, not disabled, but different-abled. Elias has continued to surpass expectations. We had so much to share our interview quickly became a two-episodes. You can hear the first interview here.

The second interview was unexpected and one of those “connect-the-dots of God’s faithfulness to me” moments.

Norah is our second oldest grand-daughter. She will be 15 next month which in itself is huge! Almost three years ago she battled a wicked disease called PANDAS. It is a miracle she has survived these past three years. Most of you are aware of this part of her life. If not, you can read it here.

She was given an 8th grade assignment to interview a grandparent. She came up with all the questions and asked them to me over Facetime. We got off to a good start…

“What year we’re you born?” 1959.

“Where were you born?” Orlando.

“How do you come to know Jesus?” This is when time seemed to slow to a crawl.

I realized Norah was asking me all the questions I regretted never asking my own grandmother. She died when I was 19. I was her youngest so she was 90 and had lived a full life. I just didn’t hear the answers to these questions until she had died.

I regretted my missed opportunity. How I wished time had slowed in that season of my life to ask such questions.

“How did you and Papa meet?“ We met at a Jesus Festival held here in Orlando.

“Have you ever seen God do a miracle?” Yes! I’m talking to her now!

Just this exchange was a moment—me sharing with her the miracle we both saw from two different perspectives.

“What gifts has God given you?” In 1989 God impressed on me that He had given me a gift of writing. He said He wanted me to keep a journal. And I’m still writing to this day—I am currently on my 78th journal.”

“You have 78 journals?” I do. I realized that writer’s write and God wanted me to learn how to write by writing. She smiled.

Through all my years of journaling I learned how to write, and this allowed me to finally write my grandmother’s story in my book titled, Through The Eyes Of Grace. It took me 12 years, and my Mom was the first to read it. To say it was my life-long dream would be an understatement. I have recorded with words the story I never took the time to discover when she was alive. But God helped me uncover it one question at a time.

What questions come to mind when you consider the story of your life? Do your children know the answers? Do your grandchildren? I encourage you to write them down so when they finally think to ask, the answers will be available for them to discover.

Hands

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Hands are a vital part of our bodies, Most of us have two with one being dominant. We don’t realize how vital they are until we can’t use one or both. My friend Bonnie has been recovering from a severe injury making one hand unusable for the last few weeks. She’s in a real pickle. (Pun intended to make her smile).

Our hands are used to grab things, sort things, signal others as they come or go. But this week our hands are doing something I’ve grown accustomed to, but don’t like.

Our hands are letting go.

Our cabin in Banner Elk, NC, will soon belong to someone else. We know this is God’s leading and our hearts are at peace. But the actual moment of locking the door and driving away will be fraught with tears.

Letting go is an act of faith. It’s believing that there is something new to embrace that we can’t yet see. Our hands must be open to receive in the same way they must be open to give.

Have you also had to let go of something you enjoyed? Even when you didn’t know why?

This is where our faith is evident, because it’s based on that which we can’t see. We prove our trust in God knowing that He sees the beginning from the end. He knows all the days marked out for us. Time is in His hands alone.

So as we drive away tomorrow and wave goodbye, we will keep our hands opened to embrace what’s next.

Tears

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I began the following post during the holidays. I’m just now sharing it with you…

We are doing what we usually do this time of year…driving to visit our kids and grandkids who live out of town. We spent Christmas with our son in Tennessee, and now we’re heading to spend New Year’s with our daughter in Georgia.

Today, driving backroads through North Georgia, we came to an historical marker that has significance in my family.

The Trail of Tears.

It begins in South Carolina and meanders it’s way to Oklahoma—formerly known as Indian Territory until 1907 when Oklahoma became a state.

The deal was that Indians would forfeit the land they knew and loved in exchange for 160 acres of deeded land in Indian Territory, west of the Mississippi River.

My ancestors reluctantly made the trek, but due to controversies within the tribe they broke off and settled in Texas. Horn Hill to be specific.

Many indigenous people died on this trail, thus the name. But many made it to their “promised land”. Although they had many tears too.

I don’t like change.

I can’t imagine a group of settlers telling me that what was once mine is no longer so. I must now relocate to and unknown land and start anew. Yet this is what thousands of indigenous peoples did. They had no choice but to take the next step.

My grandfather and great-grandfather ended up with two 160 acre plots of land east of Jenks, Oklahoma. Their names were recorded on the Dawes rolls.

Such a legacy. I would love to hear their take on this process. I do know that they eventually mortgaged their allotted land to invest in citrus in Central Florida. It was their next step.

They moved here in 1922 and never looked back. They even allowed their land to foreclose because they loved Florida so much more.

What is the next step in your family’s journey? It may involve lots of tears, but may also come with lots of hope for a brighter tomorrow. All we can do is take the next step in faith trusting in God who leads us into His perfect plan.

Crickets

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Such an interesting word with multiple meanings.

Crickets are insects that sing at night by rubbing their wings together to make the familiar sound.

Cricket is also a game played using bats and balls.

Finally crickets are what is heard when someone isn’t answering your texts.

But crickets to me are a trigger back to my childhood days.

My grandparents lived on 12 acres of orange groves in the small town west of Orlando called Clermont. The trees blossomed in the winter filling the air with the sweetest scent of orange blossoms. At night this was accompanied by the sound of crickets—a symphony to my young ears.

My grandfather died when I was only 5. My grandmother when I was 19. But crickets transport me back to the 1960’s every January evening.

I’m not one to love bugs. But crickets are a reminder of days gone by. I can still smell my grandmother’s creamed corn simmering on her stove; my grandfather’s freshly refilled pipe billowing in the air as he puffs on it long and slow.

As a kid I didn’t realize how these ordinary moments were carving an indelible memory in my mind.

I’m 62 and just went for a walk after dinner. The crickets joined me and took me back in time. I miss those days, but I’m so grateful for the memories.

Crickets – they represent silence to some, but to me they echo memories loud and clear.

What sounds or smells take you back in time?

My Word for 2022

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This year my word came slowly as I contemplated what God was currently saying to me. I was impressed, “Let Me take you deeper into My love and My joy for My pleasure.”

Deeper – Honestly this word scares me a bit.

But if I’ve learned one thing through the past few years it’s that I can trust God to be with me every step no matter what comes.

Deeper means I will discover things I’ve never seen before; like a scuba diver is privileged to see wonders others can’t see, what will I learn in this deeper place?

Deeper means I will learn new things about God’s character.

Deeper means that I will hear God’s heart for the world around me and hopefully be moved as He is moved.

Deeper means my roots will be anchored in cool wells of the spring water of the Word, bringing healthier fruit.

Charles P. Jones wrote a hymn in 1900 titled, Deeper, Deeper. Following our country’s Civil War. This inspired a new focus on struggles and hardship in his life seeing them as a means to relate to Christ in His sufferings for us.

“Deeper, deeper! blessed Holy Spirit,
Take me deeper still,
Till my life is wholly lost in Jesus,
And His perfect will. [Refrain]. Deeper, deeper! tho’ it cost hard trials,
Deeper let me go!
Rooted in the holy love of Jesus,
Let me fruitful grow. [Refrain]”

“But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.”
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 ESV (emphasis mine)

The Holy Spirit lives within me, and He can lead me to a deeper knowledge of and love for God.

I plan to read through Charles Spurgeon’s, Beside Still Waters, and allow this famous preacher, who was himself familiar with pain, suffering and hardship to speak to me.

I pray I won’t be the same next New Year’s Day.

My Christmases Past

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It was an annual event in our home. It happened every summer, but it’s focus was Christmas.

My Dad was a pharmacist and owned his own drug store with everything imaginable for our seasoned shoppers.

There was a jewelry department—with costume jewelry, 14k gold options and sterling silver. They were displayed neatly on velvet lined trays that rotated around the glass case much like a Ferris wheel. Push one button to rotate forward, another to rotate backward. I loved looking at every shiny piece.

We also sold perfume, sunglasses, greeting cards, toys and of course drugs for anything that ailed you.

My favorite was the toy aisle, which is why I had a significant role in our annual summer event.

My parents purchased merchandise for our shelves from The Allen Drug Company. An independently owned drugstore distributor.

Every summer they put on a “wholesale only” trade show for retailers to select what they wanted to make available to their customers for the upcoming holiday shopping season.

My Dad invited me to come and help them purchase toys that kids my age would want. As payment for my expert opinion I was allowed to choose one toy for me.

It was a child’s dream come true.

Some now nostalgic toys that were new to me then:

  • Slinky
  • Gyro wheel
  • Clackers
  • Silly Putty
  • Weaving loom
  • Etch-A-Sketch
  • Lite Brite
  • Easy Bake Oven
  • And so.much.more

My dad also raffled off a giant toy and candy-filled stocking every year to one lucky child.

As a pre-teen I enjoyed gift-wrapping the items our customers purchased, a free service. We had a giant roll of red striped paper on a steel cutting wheel that worked much like a roll of aluminum foil does today.

We had a new contraption that made bows in no time. With lots of ribbon choices, each gift was a unique work of art. I loved creasing the corners and taping the gift perfectly. I still enjoy wrapping gifts today as much as I did then.

Remembering my Christmases past has been a delight to behold. What memories do you have of Christmases past?