Tomorrow our lives will change forever. We will meet the newest addition to our family and her name is Liliana Grace.
She is the blessing we never expected but desperately needed. Her presence in our family will provide much joy and healing. And her big brother, Elias, will love her like no one else.
She will understand him, love him, help him and make him laugh. How do I know? It’s because Elias laughs with joy with everyone he meets. But Liliana will be his little sister—That’s special.
There is much trepidation going into tomorrow. Our greatest confidence is that God goes before us and has made a way on this unknown path.
I will be spending time helping Heather heal after her c-section and caring for Elias. This is so different than our experience when Elias was born nearly four years ago.
The world was facing a pandemic causing fear everywhere.
Elias was safe in the NICU of Hillcrest Hospital in Tulsa, OK. But we weren’t allowed to meet him. Strict protocols allowed only the parents admittance to his bedside, which was the right call.
We finally met him in February, 2021 after 116 days in the hospital. What a moment of great longing fulfilled.
I have the same longing now for Liliana.
If you read this please pray for Heather as she brings life to our family on August 28, 2024. This date is special for many reasons but the most obvious is its connection with Romans 8:28…
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV
What a verse to mark Liliana’s life from her beginning. I think Elias would agree.
Tomorrow is the first day that I will know and love her for the rest of my life. It’s time for me to start writing her very own song…from Nana, with love.
Friday was the third anniversary of my brother’s first day in Heaven. I miss him so much, but this year I was in the throes of planning our daughter’s baby shower. I had no time to grieve or cry…until today.
In 2020 Billy had just retired from a compound pharmacy where I had my prescriptions filled. He loved his job and had given me a tour of the compounding lab where he worked. It was obvious how much his co-workers loved him. He had a contagious sense of humor that would make you laugh even when you didn’t want to. He said it was a gift.
Anyway, today I had to pick up an Rx from this pharmacy which is always emotional for me. I wasn’t expecting what would happen next!
The sign on the door said, “We’ve moved!
The shoe-shiner who has had a chair in front of this pharmacy for as long as I can remember told me they moved to the compounding lab around the corner. When I mentioned I knew where that was, he seemed surprised. I explained my brother worked there as a compounding pharmacist until he retired.
He asked the obvious, “Who’s your brother?”
“Bill Gray.”
With a smile a mile wide he said, “Chill Bill?He’s your brother?”
I said he was but sadly he died three years ago from Covid. He had only been retired 9 months.
“Oh, I didn’t know!” He continued to say how sad he didn’t get to enjoy life.
I told him how much Billy loved Heaven and now he was there having the ultimate retirement. It is a promise reserved for those who love and follow Jesus.
This kind man nodding with a knowing reassurance, “He’s better off than we are, ain’t he!”
With tears I turned away realizing afresh how much my brother impacted everyone who knew him.
Reblogged from The Romantic Vineyard from 3 years ago, this is the testimony I shared in our Church’s ladies meeting last night. The topic was listening to God. I share it here today as this month marks three years since all this took place.
Two weeks ago today, my brother went to be with the Lord. I have struggled to write this until now. And now is the time to put in words what has happened in my broken heart.
At the same time we received the news from the doctors that my brother’s lungs were not able to heal from the damage Covid caused, the 2020 Summer Olympics were beginning in Tokyo delayed a year by the same virus that ravished my brother’s lungs. Lifelong dreams were coming to fruition for the athletes, as my brother’s lifetime goal was being realized to be called home. Some of the athletes would receive the accolades of men receiving a medal of distinction, whether gold, silver or bronze. They would be forever commemorated as an Olympian medalist.
My brother at the same time was receiving accolades from the One who created him 66 years ago. In that time He met Jesus. He surrendered his life to Him. He followed Him. He told others about Him. He left a trail of testimony of God’s goodness, God’s kindness, God’s mercy to those who would accept Jesus as their Savior. His Celebration of Life was one testimony after another of how Billy gave his life to Jesus and encouraged others to do the same. Like the Olympians on parade, my brother’s life was being celebrated, but instead of a flag, a cross.
His passing happened so fast I was left reeling at the reality of life without him. My brother has been there for me my entire life. But most recently, after all I have been through with my granddaughter in 2019 and my grandson in 2020, he cried with me over my fears and my exhaustion. He volunteered to do all he could to help us through this dark valley. He comforted me with his love and hugs as only a brother can do. He was there for me…
Until he wasn’t.
In his wake we are still in shock. But he is receiving the reward of a lifetime—one for a life well-lived for God’s glory. The very best of medals that won’t fade with time.
A week or so after He entered eternity, I prayed and asked God to help me. I needed His perspective on all we were facing. But He seemed silent. I say often, “God is always speaking, we’re just not always listening.” In this case He seemed silent to me. I was asking, but hearing nothing. Yet in a strange way, my faith was still strengthened. In His silence I could sense His tender grip holding the pieces of my broken heart together until I was ready to hear from Him.
Ready? Are you ever ready to hear God’s purposes in a reality you would have never chosen to walk through?
I wasn’t sure I was. This is why He didn’t tell me what or when it was coming; He just showed up. In my dreams no less, where I couldn’t argue or shut Him down. All I could do was listen.
I had taken something to help me sleep, so there was no waking through the night. I am a vivid dreamer (as was my brother which is one of the ways we were alike), and God chose this night to speak one thing to me over and over, no matter how the dreams changed.
I kept hearing, “Read Ezekiel 3.23”
When I finally woke up I grabbed my Bible and read these words, starting with verse 22:
“22 Then the Lord took hold of me and said, “Get up and go out into the valley, and I will speak to you there.” 23 So I got up and went, and there I saw the glory of the Lord, just as I had seen in my first vision by the Kebar River. And I fell face down on the ground.”
I couldn’t wait to spend time alone with the Lord. He was calling me to come to the valley, but I didn’t know how to get there. He reminded me that I have been living in the Valley of the Shadow of death for two years. I didn’t have to go anywhere, just sit, pray and listen.
So that is what I did.
Two hours later the pain in my heart no longer ached with sadness. Now I was aching to see Him, the Savior of my broken heart. He met me in ways that only I could appreciate. He is personal like that. One important thing He impressed on my heart is that Covid didn’t steal my brother from our family. No! God called him home, which is the desire of all who know and love Him. He is receiving the Crown of Life promised to those who endure to the end. My brother faithfully loved Jesus and shared his love for Him with everyone who came into his life.
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12 ESV
My time ended by listening to a song by Shane & Shane titled, “Though You Slay Me,” featuring John Piper. If you haven’t heard it yet, I encourage you to set aside some time and let God minister to your soul.
There is no god like our God.
He is intimately acquainted with me. He knows me better than I know myself or my husband who is closer to me than any other person. And the best news? He loves me—not because of anything I have done, but because His son, Jesus Christ, called me by name.
My Niece-in-law said it well, “To know my brother was to love him and if He knew you he loved you.” I love this, and it can also be said of Jesus’ relationship to His children. To know Him is to love Him and be loved by Him.
I invite you to know Jesus.
“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” John 6:37 ESV
If you find your heart beating fast with the idea that your life can change forever, out of the dark valley, out of the misery you’ve endured thus far; it may be Jesus is calling you to respond to His invitation to love Him and be loved by Him. He is closer than you know and would love to embrace your broken heart as He did mine.
I will never be the same! And my closing ceremony won’t be a display of fireworks over the stadium in Tokyo. My closing ceremony will culminate when it’s my turn to hear, “Enter into the joy of your Lord!”
We’ve been away for 10 days following the changing leaves and they haven’t disappointed.
I heard Jim Gaffigan do a set on Fall Foliage that is hilarious. I may always hear his voice in my head as I take yet another photo or video of falling leaves. But I don’t mind.
God made the seasons because He knows change is good. Think of it, if the leaves never fell there would be no room for new growth.
I wish I could think of changes in my own life as beautiful, but I’m more like Jim Gaffigan’s interpretation of how they’re feeling—I’m dying! I don’t like change because I love summer.
But I would never appreciate a warm summer day if I never had the chill of winter.
Contrasts are what make life beautiful.
But seasons of the heart are unpredictable. They can last only days or for many years. God determines the length of our current season , and since I trust Him I can rest knowing change will come.
Like the leaves all I must do is bend with the wind and let go when it’s time to do so.
A bare tree standing alone isn’t as beautiful as a the bare trees in a forest.
So it is in life. We need connection with good friends, honest friends and faithful friends who will sit with us in our barrenness and whisper to us the hope of Spring; friends who have faced similar seasons aren’t quick to judge or push us forward too soon. They sit, listen and pray.
God is the author of my seasons and each one has a purpose. All I must do is show up each day and embrace the moment.
Chasing leaves this year has shown me it is futile to hang on to what was or what I hoped would be. I must reach in faith for tomorrow as I follow the Lord.
It has been 3 years since I first met you. What a journey you’ve traveled thus far. Through the NICU stay in Tulsa for 116 days, to your Cancer battle in the PICU and the Cancer floors of Advent Health, You have found a way into the hearts of all who know you.
You are still non-verbal, non-mobile and can’t sit on your own. The only food you enjoy comes through your gtube, something your body tolerates very well; You now weigh about 33 lbs. making it difficult for your Mom to lift you for long. I miss our close snuggles on the couch as you would slowly fall asleep in my arms. You have grown so much that you hang off on both sides of my lap and my arm goes to sleep before you do. You much prefer to snuggle with your weighted animals in your own big boy bed. Actually, you still prefer Mom and Dad’s big king-size bed, but they are working to get you to stay in your own bed now.
Your favorite movies are Sing 2, Toy Story 2 (Buzz Lightyear is the best!) and Encanto. Your favorite Children’s programs are Miss Rachel, Blues Clues and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You love listening to your Mom or Papa Tom play drums on any solid surface. When you laugh your whole body follows along lifting both legs up to your belly. Your laughter is contagious.
You are a coffee lover. Every morning you stare at Mom’s coffee hoping she’ll give you a taste or two or three on a spoon. I tried giving you some Cold Brew Coffee Ice Cream and I thought you would never stop smiling. You didn’t know something so good existed.
This week you will begin pre-school two days a week. Mom is a little nervous about leaving you for several hours, but she is ready for some time to herself. It has been a long time since she’s done much of anything without you right by her side, and she has loved every minute. Yet she is tired. We all need rest and this will be her time to do so.
Elias, your birthday yesterday was so much fun. You loved all the attention, the balloons, the karaoke singing, the candles, the opening of presents and most of all–life itself. You embrace every moment as if it is a gift, as we embrace you as our gift and inspiration. Keep pushing forward one small accomplishment at a time. We believe you will do great things.
This song is endearing and one I’ve often sung to my grandchildren. But today it made me think in opposites. What if the lyrics went something like this?
I see you
A log and a speck
A log and a speck
Puts a grip around the neck
Ouch. Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s unfair judgment? I’m sad to say I have and nothing hurts more.
When I feel falsely accused, all I want to do is defend myself so I’m understood and the tension is released.
But usually defending myself only creates more tension. The best thing is to follow Jesus’ example and walk away. He didn’t answer His accusers unless they were speaking the truth. With all others He kept His mouth shut.
Oh to be like Him.
There is a scripture that has helped me look at this rightly…
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 7:1-5 ESV
To realize that any judgment I make against someone will be the same measure God uses against me is sobering. It brings me to my knees in surrender.
If God has allowed the conflict, there is an opportunity to be made more like Christ. But usually I want the other person to feel the sting they’ve assaulted on me. This just proves I’m still in need of a Savior to rescue me from my own sin.
In fact I will never be above the need for His grace working in my heart until I take my last breath.
This Bible verse helps me because the speck is made up of the same log. If the sin of another (the speck) offends me I need to look at myself (the log) first. I’m recognizing the other’s sin because it resides in my own heart as well.
This fact humbles me and brings me to my knees.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,
1 Peter 5:6 ESV
Let us love one another well by dealing with our own heart before pointing a finger at someone else.
I’ll close sharing with you something my pastor said years ago…
“Anytime you’re pointing a finger at someone, know that there are three more pointing back at you.”
When we choose to humble ourselves we can honestly sing, I love you a bushel and a peck…
It was time for my follow-up appt. with my Orthopedic doctor. It had been 3.5 weeks since my downfall, literally, and I was ready to see what progress I had made. Being a rule-follower, I followed his instructions by not putting any weight on my foot and sleeping with my obnoxious boot.
The good news is my fibula fracture is healing as it should. The bad news is I have to start putting weight on it as I can tolerate. He said to let the pain be my guide. If it hurts too bad take a rest.
He explained to me that the pressure of weight on a broken bone actually tells the bone to heal. Without taking the next steps my bone would take longer to heal. This metaphor jumped out at me the moment he said it!
I have to do something painful to receive the full benefits of healing.
How I needed to hear this and maybe you do too. What circumstances in your life have broken your heart? Are you tempted to despair? That’s the worst thing to do for healing to happen. We must stay engaged and keep taking the next step God reveals for us to take. To sit still will only prolong the pain and delay the healing needed.
What help you need will depend on your specific situation; maybe it’s counseling, exercising, quitting a job or setting boundaries in a difficult relationship? Maybe it’s a literal broken bone like I’m facing. Whatever it is the remedy is the same—we must continue moving forward one step at a time.
David in writing Psalm 23 says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.” (Emphasis mine) We shouldn’t stand still and be overcome with fear over harmless shadows. A shadow can’t hurt us, but still the fear can be debilitating.
I encourage you to walk one step at a time through your hard. God will be your Comforter and He will faithfully lead you to still waters.
This song has ministered to me. I pray it will to you as well…
He was my first boss out of high school. He hired me to take the place of a friend of mine named Mardy who was attending college in TX. But I had no idea what the job was, only that it was Monday thru Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
Having worked as a restaurant hostess for a couple of years, I was ready for a job with a predictable schedule with good pay and benefits. I had no idea of the benefits I would have working at Nass Service Company, Inc.
It was May 1977. This was a month before I graduated from high school, and three months before Elvis would “leave the building”, as was often said about his death.
I remember this so well because Nyla, who worked in the parts department, had an obsession with The King of Rock and Roll. She cried hysterically when his death was announced over the radio. I cried for her and her broken heart.
On the day of his funeral, Bill brought in a little portable black and white TV so Nyla could attend his memorial service and say goodbye to him.
Bill had a compassionate heart.
It was a family business. His wife, Jimmie, was the office manager. Bill was the General Manager. His brother at one point was the Service Manager and his Niece worked in the Parts Dept. He also had one son who was a tech in the Service Dept.
I was hired as the receptionist and I loved being the one to greet customers, technicians, the mailman and our UPS delivery man, Boots.
Once hired you became family; the kind that laughs, cries, celebrates and reprimands you. Even when we would get in trouble for kidding around too much, Bill would always end up joining in the fun one way or another.
Bill had a great sense of humor and let us all call him Uncle Bill.
After Tom and I were married and had our first baby, Tom wanted to quit the retail industry. Bill was looking for a new Service Manager and Tom asked if he could apply.
Bill and Jimmie had us over for dinner to talk about it. Bill said he wanted Tom to come in on his day off to see if he liked it. Tom loved the job and quit his General Manager position at Gordon’s Jewelers the next day.
It wasn’t until years later that Bill told us he was actually considering a couple of others for the job, but when Tom quit his job he didn’t have the heart to turn him away.
We heard later that he had been mistakenly hired by Mr. Nass in Miami too. So he extended to Tom the same grace he had received.
Bill was empathetic and understanding.
When I heard last week that Bill Freeman had breathed his last breath in this life, my heart was a mixture of sadness and gratefulness. Sad that I would no longer be able to see him, but grateful for the memories shared and lessons he taught me.
Uncle Bill practically raised all the young adults he hired. Two even became his daughters-in-law. He taught us a sound work ethic, not an easy job for all our pranking ways. He let us be ourselves all the while leading us into being responsible adults.
Well, we like to think we’re responsible when needed. Uncle Bill might have said otherwise with a huge grin on his face.
Uncle Bill, I will miss you and always love you and your compassionate, humorous, empathetic and understanding heart. What a gift you have given all who knew and loved you. Now that’s a benefit most jobs don’t offer these days.
I’m almost 64 years old and have just experienced a new kind of broken—a broken fibula, a spiral fracture to be more specific.
It happened so fast and was really unnecessary. Yet it happened and now I have to go through the process and all that healing entails.
When I told my daughter she exclaimed, “Mom, you can’t get a break!” We both laughed realizing that yes, yes I had received a break. 😂
The Details
I got out of the pool and put on my flip flops with wet feet, mind you. A few minutes later I took one step down on our pool deck. That’s when my foot slid through the flip flop causing me to fall on my right ankle. Ouch, is an understatement. I was in pain!
My two granddaughters were visiting us and also in the pool. As a Nana my biggest concern was holding my emotions in check for them. I didn’t want to scare them, but I knew my foot was hurt really bad.
Tom wanted to help me up, but I couldn’t imagine trying. So we called 911. One look at my foot and the EMT said you need to go to the ER and have that checked.
Tom couldn’t come with me.
Our girls were ready for our neighborhood 4th of July Parade. We had decorated two wagons for them to pull filled with stuffed animals to make the experience complete. But Nana couldn’t be there now; I fought tears of disappointment.
I was grateful I was only at the ER for 4 hours—surprising considering it was a holiday. The bad news was I couldn’t get my pain meds until the next day. which leads to my next moment of gratefulness this break provided me.
All night long my foot hurt so bad.
It was a constant stabbing pain that made me groan like I was in labor. There was nothing to be done but endure the pain until morning.
I remembered One who endured stabbing pains for me, and He did it willingly. Jesus’ feet were pierced through on the Cross as He hung there for hours crying in anguish.
In the darkness of that night I had a fresh revelation of His sacrifice of love. I whispered with tears of gratefulness, “Thank you, Jesus.”
When dawn came the pain subsided to bearable levels.
Why is it pain is so much worse when under the cover of darkness. The morning light brought much needed relief with Tom’s ability to fill my pain medicine. Thank God!
“Weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Psalm 30:5b
I am now one week on the mend. I realize how much worse this could have been. How is it possible that I have no other scrapes, bruises or sore spots? It’s as if God caught me on the way down making sure no more damage was done.
He measures our pain.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”
1 Peter 5:10 ESV
I may be broken, but I know the healer of broken things, my ankle included.
Elias Angel Aznaran, age 2 1/2, was dedicated to the Lord as were his parents in front of our church family. In the congregation were seated hundreds of faithful, praying friends who have loved our little boy by providing for them. Including: meals for them during his long 7 month cancer treatments, helping clean and organize their home. They donated not only time, but their financial support as well through his Go Fund Me campaign.
There was a moment in the dedication when our pastor turned to the church and said, “As Hannah prayed for her son in the temple, so too, you have prayed for their son, Elias Angel.” It was then that I was overwhelmed, crying with gratefulness to all of them for their support and prayers, but more their love for our family.
But God.
He is our strong tower. He provides for us what we need when we need it, but not necessarily when we want it.
It’s like the disciples when they were overwhelmed with the events of Thursday and Friday. Saturday must have been a day of bewilderment to them all. “What just happened?” They could do nothing but wait until Sabbath was over. It was then they could take care of their Rabbi and bury Him as was required by the Law. They had no idea what God had in store for them.
Jesus didn’t come resurrected with a huge fanfare. Instead He did what was needed, He fed them. Then He made His presence known while they were doing an ordinary thing–eating breakfast.
How often is Christ walking with us in similar ways, but we don’t recognize His presence?
Looking back now, since Elias’ birth, I can see Him clearly. Most of the questions we had then have been answered in miraculous ways; Will he be able to hear? How will Matt and Heather care for him without the help and support of family? Will Heather have what she needs to physically provide for him? Will there be insurance to cover all this? What about what isn’t covered?
So many questions that haunted us then, now have answers. At least for the time being. God knew then where we would be now. And He knows where this road will lead us, but we can only get there one step at a time.
This year Easter will be a day remembered as a Memorial of Thankfulness to God for the gift of this sweet boy. He lights up any room he enters with his smile. And oh how we love him.
As we face all the days following with more unanswered questions, we are confident that God is walking before us leading the way. We are purposing to thank Him now, in advance for all He will do, for His glory and our good.
“Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen.”
Write from the heart 